Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Getting Stronger

I am exercising now. A lot of exercise. Like about 2-3 hours a day. I walk for 30-60 minutes before going to work most days and then I go to the Y for another hour and a half up to two and a half hours. It's a little crazy I know. But I can't stop now.

I have come to believe that I am not broken. I have wrestled with the concept for almost a year now, since that blog post last September. I do realize that I was the only person that saw me that way. I have tried to remember how or when I first saw myself that way and can't. It was something that I had never spoken out loud until just a couple of months ago. Because I was ashamed of my brokenness, I tried to hide it. I lied about it. I don't think I felt that way in the beginning when I was that little six year old just diagnosed with scoliosis. It was some time after that when the bracing didn't work. I don't even think it was after the first surgery because the reason that didn't work wasn't my fault, it was the car wreck we had on the way to church one Sunday Morning. Somehow fixing the scoliosis was interpreted by be as I needed to be fixed. I really think it was some time after the third one.

I know the feelings of weakness went hand in hand with the feelings of brokenness. Broken things are weaker than non-broken things. I let the pain take over my body. I mean the pain was and is there but I let it limit my life. I grew to be afraid of the pain and the pain dictated everything.

But I am changing. I no longer believe I am broken. Believing I am strong is taking a little more work and is the reason for my new exercise routines. Every minute I am sweating on some machine is proving that I am getting stronger. When I am tired I keep repeating "this is making you stronger, this is making you stronger". Right now it is a little hard to believe I am strong if I am not feeling physically strong.

I am getting stronger.

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