Part of this journey to a healthier life certainly includes being healthier mentally. For it all to be okay, my head has to be okay. I have to find balance between the physical, mental and spiritual. I haven't posted a weigh loss update in a while because I have once again let my eating get out of control. I made a lot of changed over the last year and most of those changes are still in place. At home I do avoid overly processed "convenience" foods, most of the food I eat is whole and real foods. But the scale has been steadily creeping up because I keep trying to comfort myself with ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. Mostly late at night too which makes it even worse for me. I know food, not even ice cream is going to fix anything, but I keep eating it like it is the balm needed to soothe my soul.
Lots going on, but it basically boils down to just a couple of things. My faith is broken. Not just broken, but shattered into a million tiny pieces. A part of me misses it, but a part that keeps growing doesn't even care any more. And that bothers me. A little bit. It's not the first time I have had a crisis in my faith before, but it is the first time that I feel broken beyond repair. I know all the answers that my faith wielding friends would give me but I don't want to hear them and I know they don't want to hear my response.
I am grieving children that I don't have and will never have. I want to be a mom more than I want to take my next breath. Ever since I was a tiny child I wanted to be a mom. But my arms are empty and my heart is broken. How do you get past this?