Getting Stronger

I am exercising now. A lot of exercise. Like about 2-3 hours a day. I walk for 30-60 minutes before going to work most days and then I go to the Y for another hour and a half up to two and a half hours. It's a little crazy I know. But I can't stop now.

I have come to believe that I am not broken. I have wrestled with the concept for almost a year now, since that blog post last September. I do realize that I was the only person that saw me that way. I have tried to remember how or when I first saw myself that way and can't. It was something that I had never spoken out loud until just a couple of months ago. Because I was ashamed of my brokenness, I tried to hide it. I lied about it. I don't think I felt that way in the beginning when I was that little six year old just diagnosed with scoliosis. It was some time after that when the bracing didn't work. I don't even think it was after the first surgery because the reason that didn't work wasn't my fault, it was the car wreck we had on the way to church one Sunday Morning. Somehow fixing the scoliosis was interpreted by be as I needed to be fixed. I really think it was some time after the third one.

I know the feelings of weakness went hand in hand with the feelings of brokenness. Broken things are weaker than non-broken things. I let the pain take over my body. I mean the pain was and is there but I let it limit my life. I grew to be afraid of the pain and the pain dictated everything.

But I am changing. I no longer believe I am broken. Believing I am strong is taking a little more work and is the reason for my new exercise routines. Every minute I am sweating on some machine is proving that I am getting stronger. When I am tired I keep repeating "this is making you stronger, this is making you stronger". Right now it is a little hard to believe I am strong if I am not feeling physically strong.

I am getting stronger.

Breakfast, a tool I use and an Update

This is a breakfast that I really enjoy eating. I take a small banana, a couple of strawberries and slice them, a small container of vanilla yogurt, a few blueberries and a couple of tablespoons of granola. I love the different textures and the sweetness of the yogurt combines nicely with the tanginess and sweetness of the fruit. I love granola but it typically has a lot of calories. This way I get the taste of the granola I like but with far fewer calories than if I just ate a bowl of granola cereal with milk. Whole Foods has several different flavors of granola to choose from in their bulk food area, I think this one is called gingersnap.

I have mentioned before that I use an app called Lose It! to log my meals and exercise. Since using this app I have become very aware of the calories in the food that I eat and it has enabled me to make healthier choices, especially on the go. For a long time I didn't realize that there was also an online community. I found that a couple of months ago and honestly credit that with the success I have had. Previously when I would try to lose weight, I would do great for the first 25 pounds or so. Then I would start easing up, adding in more and more unhealthy choices and the weight would creep back on and always with a few extra. Then I would get discouraged and just stop doing it, feeling more and more defeated with each cycle. I finally recognized that pattern and talked to Kip about it and my reasons for being so strict during that point. I also started participating and making friends on Lose It! I finally made it past that twenty five pound mark.

Now that I was past that mental hurdle, I decided it was time to really up the exercise portion of my weight loss journey so I joined the Y. I was making slow and steady progress then my online friends were doing an exercise challenge with a specific calorie burn in mind each week. I have been meeting and exceeding that goal every week. Then at the beginning of July I saw a posting about the July challenge and people talking about teams and such. I thought that would be another way of challenging myself so I wanted to be on a team. None of the people that I was talking to on a regular basis was participating but someone suggested that someone else that I didn't really know was forming a team. I pushed my timid feelings to the side, sent him a message asking if I could be on his team. he said yes and am I ever so grateful he did! I am being challenged in a new way each week. It's amazing! The people I have met on that site have been incredible and encouraging and willing to share what has worked for them But this team takes it even a step further. Since our challenge changes every week I have something different to focus on and that keeps me from getting bored.

Weekly weigh in: I lost 1.6 pounds this week!!! And that pushed my total weight loss past the 40 pound mark!!!!!!!!! I am a little happy and excited here to say the least.

Big Number!

I had a great loss this week. I have been working out very hard the past couple of weeks and the scale has been moving down, just not very fast. I am happy every time the scale moves downward, not matter how small that movement is. But this morning when I weighed in I had lost 2.2 pounds this week. Most of my weeks are between 1 and 1.8, I have such a hard time getting all the way to 2.0 and to go beyond that really made my day.

I have been participating in the 3N1 program at my local YMCA. It is a three month program. You meet with a trainer and they set up a workout for you, at the end of 30 days you meet again for another session and discuss new goals and additional workouts. I have finished my first thirty days and have an appointment this morning for the next month's workouts. Originally Kip and I had discussed the fact that I wanted to join a gym, but I had planned to do that at 50 pounds lost. I was walking on the treadmill almost every day here at home and having some success but knew if I could vary the exercise and add in some strength training that I could get to my goal sooner. I was feeling stronger and decided to join the Y after about 28 pounds. It was hard to go in that first day. There are many days that I am the biggest person in there. I know six months ago I would have let that stop me from going. I also know that one of the reasons that I wanted to wait until I had lost 50 pounds was so that I would be a more acceptable size (for me) to be working out in a gym. Almost as if I deserved it if I could get to that goal on my own. Not only is my body changing but I am having to change my way of thinking. That's a hard one to do. I think it is so odd that I felt that I would be judged by the "skinny people" because I was so big and working out. But I was the one judging them, judging them that they would be critical of me. Not to mention the fact that I don't know where any of those people started their journey. Maybe they were large too and all that exercise had turned them into the "skinny people" that I was afraid of and judging. Mind shift. Huge mind shift going on right now in my head.

I survived

I survived my nine days out of town with my parents. Ever since I have been home I have been zapped for energy so I haven't been online as much. I had a plan for going out of town and for the most part I stuck with it. I did make it to the Y while I was there. I did eat out a little more that I had planned but I feel that I made great choices for those meals. I looked up nutritional information before we went to the restaurant and made my choices even before we got there. So even though I was out of my routine I still lost a little over a pound that week.

Another reason that I haven't been online much is because I have really upped my exercise time. I feel my body getting stronger and am finally to the point that I feel better after a long workout and I look forward to working out. I am tired of being fat and know that the more calories I burn the faster I can leave those pounds behind. I have finished my first month of the exercise plan at the Y and have an appointment with a trainer to get my second month's workout.

Kip and I decided to get a grill. We haven't had a working grill since we got married so this is an entirely different was of cooking for us. We are having a lot of fun. I am going to working on grilling a pizza in the near future.